An empty crib

Most little girls grow up playing with baby dolls and even at a young age can tell you how many children their little minds have envisioned having.

As young girls we are taught to be nurturers. Brought baby dolls, carriages, kitchens. I was no different. I remember having dolls, bathing, feeding, even making clothes for them. I'd thought of what I'd name my children. My daughter after my grandmother I'd never met and after their dad should I have a son.

At age 18 my dream shattered....... pregnant, engaged, fresh out of high school sitting in labor and delivery being told there's no heart beat. How could this be?, this wasn't part of the dream. I'd go through this 4 more times. Genetic testing, amniocentesis, medications, nothing ending in the result of that childhood dream.

At age 25 I met a man and we vowed to do things "the right way". No sex before marriage, we moved in to our apartment on our wedding night. Two months later we received the news, we were expecting anxiety crept in with a few complications and ordered bedrest BUT this had to be Gods will right we did it just as we should. Here we were married and expecting our first child, a male child (most mens dream) to be born on his paternal grandfather's birthday. Enjoying every turn, monitoring every move and yet on January 30th at 416pm 3 months early there I was birthing my 1lb 11oz baby boy. My baby I'd never get to leave the hospital with. There I sat with milk stored up to feed a child that would never get to eat. There I sat in the hospital holding my 1st born counting his fingers and toes, smoothing his hair until he took his last breath.

They took me back to my room. The room filled by my ecstatic husband with flowers and balloons where I sat in darkness. They gave me sedatives my body wouldnt allow to work. I sat awake through the night alone in the total darkness. Just me and the voices of brokenness that plagued my mind. Once again I'd return home to yet another empty crib.

Pregnancy and childbirth are an amazing blessing. However in your daily discussions with women keep in mind the when and how comes may cause internal traumas. We don't always know the story behind the smiles so love your sisters for who they are and what they already have. Never questioning (unintentionally shaming) them for what they don't. We haven't all chosen to go home to an empty crib #ShakenForRestoration 


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