My apology to my past
For for whatever unknown reason people seem to come to me to inquire about marriage. I far from have all the answers but recently thinking brought me to thoughts of my past.
When I got married the first time I was 25 he was 26 both of us living at home with our parents, children of preachers. His father a Bishop, my father an Elder in the Church. Our paths had actually crossed several times without actually crossing. We met dated and so here we were deciding to do it "the right way". I actually have to laugh now at the thought .
We got married thinking we were in love. How that is I don't know we weren't together long enough to know one another and we barely knew ourselves. I now believe we got married because we wanted an escape from our realities. Neither of us were prepared for the life we were embarking on. Neither understood the depth of what was before us. Both of us had been raised in one parent homes. The truth if we were both honest today we got married because we wanted to prove the church wrong. There were so many wrongs in our decision.
So as with all situations that were put together on shaky ground. The inevitable happens issues arise. Family issues, friendship issues, financial issues and the straw that broke the camel's back death of a child. All which we were unproperly prepared to handle. So four years later we separated and at the 5 year mark we were divorced. A mark of failure stained our lives.
I spent some time after our divorce upset, upset for all the wrong reasons. Upset because I thought that he hadn't lived up to his end and wasn't what I needed, upset because the version of a husband I had in my head wasn't the one that existed for me, upset because the story didn't unfold as it was always told that it would, upset because I had no clue how to be a wife, upset because I lived a life that wasn't purpose for me.
It took quite some time to fully see that with another set of eyes. When I did I discovered we set out on a new journey not even knowing ourselves two incomplete beings trying to form one union. In school we're taught .5 + .5 equals a whole but in life you have to be a complete piece in order to fit into whats purposed for you.
Years later separated from that man, in a completely new life I'm often asked of him. Where my responses used to be filled with disdain and anger. TODAY I have nothing more than an apology. I know some would say APOLOGY, FOR WHAT?
My reply.....An apology isn't defeat. We look at this through the wrong eyes. Apologizing is acknowledging your part and releasing yourself.
So to Mr. C. I apologize for entering into a realm of life that I was not prepared for. I apologize or not allowing you to grow into who you were supposed to be. I apologize because I allowed you to to enter into a place you yourself were not prepared for. A place that true love would not have allowed you to walk into. The love a wife should have possessed. I apologize that I allowed you to misappropriate association to be friendship turned into love. See even true friendship wouldn't allow some things to take place. Had we even been friends as it was thought to be, friendship would not have allowed us to run into a brick wall.
So I'm no longer upset but apologetic about the journey that I allowed to happen. That box we were made to fit into. The journey I now believe was just our way of escape. So much time I won't say wasted but surely misdirected.
If our story had ended another way and we'd remained even cordial I'd probably say this in person. But instead I release this into the atmosphere and pray you're blessed.
This is my apology to my past #ShakenForRestoration
When I got married the first time I was 25 he was 26 both of us living at home with our parents, children of preachers. His father a Bishop, my father an Elder in the Church. Our paths had actually crossed several times without actually crossing. We met dated and so here we were deciding to do it "the right way". I actually have to laugh now at the thought .
We got married thinking we were in love. How that is I don't know we weren't together long enough to know one another and we barely knew ourselves. I now believe we got married because we wanted an escape from our realities. Neither of us were prepared for the life we were embarking on. Neither understood the depth of what was before us. Both of us had been raised in one parent homes. The truth if we were both honest today we got married because we wanted to prove the church wrong. There were so many wrongs in our decision.
So as with all situations that were put together on shaky ground. The inevitable happens issues arise. Family issues, friendship issues, financial issues and the straw that broke the camel's back death of a child. All which we were unproperly prepared to handle. So four years later we separated and at the 5 year mark we were divorced. A mark of failure stained our lives.
I spent some time after our divorce upset, upset for all the wrong reasons. Upset because I thought that he hadn't lived up to his end and wasn't what I needed, upset because the version of a husband I had in my head wasn't the one that existed for me, upset because the story didn't unfold as it was always told that it would, upset because I had no clue how to be a wife, upset because I lived a life that wasn't purpose for me.
It took quite some time to fully see that with another set of eyes. When I did I discovered we set out on a new journey not even knowing ourselves two incomplete beings trying to form one union. In school we're taught .5 + .5 equals a whole but in life you have to be a complete piece in order to fit into whats purposed for you.
Years later separated from that man, in a completely new life I'm often asked of him. Where my responses used to be filled with disdain and anger. TODAY I have nothing more than an apology. I know some would say APOLOGY, FOR WHAT?
My reply.....An apology isn't defeat. We look at this through the wrong eyes. Apologizing is acknowledging your part and releasing yourself.
So to Mr. C. I apologize for entering into a realm of life that I was not prepared for. I apologize or not allowing you to grow into who you were supposed to be. I apologize because I allowed you to to enter into a place you yourself were not prepared for. A place that true love would not have allowed you to walk into. The love a wife should have possessed. I apologize that I allowed you to misappropriate association to be friendship turned into love. See even true friendship wouldn't allow some things to take place. Had we even been friends as it was thought to be, friendship would not have allowed us to run into a brick wall.
So I'm no longer upset but apologetic about the journey that I allowed to happen. That box we were made to fit into. The journey I now believe was just our way of escape. So much time I won't say wasted but surely misdirected.
If our story had ended another way and we'd remained even cordial I'd probably say this in person. But instead I release this into the atmosphere and pray you're blessed.
This is my apology to my past #ShakenForRestoration
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